A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. ‘I know we’ve been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce.’

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph.

The husband speaks again, ‘I don’t want you to try and talk me out of it,’ he says, ‘because I’ve been having an affair with your best friend, and she’s a far better lover than you are.’

Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75.

He pushes his luck, ‘I want the house,’ he says insistently.

Up to 80.

‘I want the car, too,’ he continues.

85 mph.

‘And,’ he says, ‘I’ll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!’

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, ‘Isn’t there anything you want?’

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. ‘No, I’ve got everything I need,’ she says.

‘Oh, really,’ he inquires, ’so what have you got?’

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles, ‘The airbag.’

*Should have kept the moving pods…

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Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5) In the rain. (+8)
But return with Beer. (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-20)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while and then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-10)
Tina is a dancer. (-20)
Tina has silicone implants. (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner. (+2)
You take her out to dinner, and it’s not a sports bar. (+3)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)

A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie. (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
It’s called ‘Death Cop.’ (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter; you have one too.” (-8000)

THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5) [Yes, you lose points no matter what]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)

COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-4000)

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Happy Monday. I feel sorry for you too.

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant
operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and
looked over the menu…

Raw Tourist: $5.00
Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Ministers (Prime, Defense, Roadworks etc) : $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference
for the Politicians?”

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one? They’re so full of
crap, it takes all morning.”

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